ILMBGFSZ.

It sucks to see that the person who you really have feelings for doesn't share the same feelings.
You see them going off with another girl, on the outsid you cheer him on and wish him luck.
But on the inside you're wishing this girl isn't the right fit.
You try to look like you don't care, but even taking all the time in the world to make him impressed may not be enough time.
Oh, what will you ever do?

Genuinely

feel like shit.

Are Egrets.

Minds turned off
Hearts half-asleep
The rest--full speed.


I feel as though things could have been stopped and I could have been much more satisfied.

It's all over now, I don't want to go back in time.


RELAPSE.

For Ali.

Oh, sweetheart put the bottle down, you've got too much talent
I see you through those bloodshot eyes
There's a cure, you've found it

Slow motion sparks, you've caught that chill, now don't deny it
But boys will be boys, oh, yes they will
They don't wanna define it

Just give up the game and get into me
If you're looking for thrills then get cold feet

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I go slow
So if you want me I don't come cheap
Keep your head on my hand and your heart on your sleeve

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight to say goodnight

I can't cook, no but I can clean up the mess you left
Lay your head down and feel the beat as I kiss your forehead
This may not last but this is now so love the one you're with

You wanna chase but you're chasin' your tail
A quick fix won't ever get you well

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I go slow
So if you want me I don't come cheap
Keep your head on my hand and your heart on your sleeve

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight to say

'Cause I feel the distance between us
Could be over with the snap of your finger, oh, no

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I go slow
So if you want me I don't come cheap
Keep your head on my hand and your heart on your sleeve

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight to say
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight to say goodnight

Oh, sweetheart put the bottle down 'cause you don't wanna miss out

Memories Return to Reality.

One person
One faint memory
Comes and smacks me in the face
Now
Here
Again
Wanted but not wanted
Happy but sad
Remembered but different than last time.

How can I put all of this into the right perspective?
Is it possible for me to look outside of the box?

I know I've hurt you.
You know you've hurt me.
But by ignoring our deep feelings
NOTHING will come.

Drill another hole, won't ya?

I'm on a positive note.

That's a good thing. Yes, it is. Indeed so.

Finito.

We settled it.



But, somehow it doesn't settle in my stomach.

An ger Hai ku.

Absolute anger.
Radiates through my body.
Why did he do this?


Body's reaction
Hairs stand, limbs tremble, eyes tear
Body, let me be!

ONE LAST THOUGHT BEFORE SLUMBER CONSUMES ME

I want you.
Keeping myself busy looking makes things worse.
Especially since you don't know that I'm looking at you.
But I'm looking in the same light as I've always done.


Please feel this way.

Why didn't?

Why didn't Peter Pan hover over my bed and watch me sleep?
Why didn't I doodle his beautiful body in my notebook during school?
Why didn't he seduce me with some fairy dust?
Why didn't he take me to the second star on the right?
Why didn't my brothers come along?
Why didn't Peter's feisty fairy hate me?
Why didn't I get jealous of Tiger Lily?
Why didn't I become the mother of the Lost Boys?
Why didn't I get kidnapped by Captain Hook?
Why didn't Peter save me?

The one 'why did':
Why did my parents want me to grow up?

BlackWhite|StraightCurly|CatDog

I recently discussed with a good ole' pal about introversion and extroversion. Now that I think about it, on the outside I'm so quiet. People always ask me, "Why don't you talk much?" And I always respond with a "WHAT! I'm so loud!" or a "I'm talkative!"

I really find this funny because I'm not loud or talkative at all.
I know why I say, "I'm so loud! I'm talkative!". It's because in my own mind, my brain's words only whisper in my ears. No one elses. And just up until NOW, I realize this?

This makes me feel a little helpless. So many things are running through my mind, but they can't seem to trickle down to my voice box and seep out of my lips. I must find a way to break this mouth barrier.

_______________________ The other side of the story________________________


When I feel comfortable enough to speak, it's insulting.

I don't mean it though, I promise.

Them and/or Me.

I understand high school brings people together, but I've seen the other side.
The other side of is isn't too pretty.
Best friends, forever & ever & beyond that.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOT.
You make plans & cancel them.
You make plans & I view them.

I know you've got new friends and an entire new life and yes, I do too. BUT, you're my best friend; we can't just leave it at that. We need to move forward. This is sad. Very sad.

New.

All I did today was wallow and think about how lonely I was.

But you know what, I think one day is enough of complaining.

I AM STARTING OVER! THIS IS GOOD! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT NOW!


Forget the blues. I want the yellows.


It's not winter, it's summer. I want freedom from my own jail.


My next step is to remember this.

Band-aid

Last night, I ended things. People kept telling me that my situation was like a band-aid and that I needed to just rip it off fast in order for it to not hurt. Currently, I disagree with that analogy. I finished things, but why do I hurt so much now? I cannot stop thinking about how much trouble I probably just caused for a person. I feel like the worst person in the world. It had to happen though; I couldn't just leave things as they are and watch myself rot. I had to do this, even if I wished I didn't do it. Things are so hard these days. I just wish this never happened. I want someone to hug me.

Old, young.

You know what I find a bit funny: when older people complain about their age. Yes, I know that they enjoy being young, having health, making as many mistakes as they can and them not really haunting them. But honestly, I think when I'm older (or at least I hope to) I will cherish my age. When you're older, there are so many stories to tell to the youngins'. Old people are WISE. I hope I remember what my opinion was at fifteen when I'm an old cat lady.

Some are haikus.

Summer's breeze brings warmth
The cold hearts need some lovin'.
I fail to give that.

THIS, here.

What grew
What grew
What grew and inside who
First so simple was the vow
Then the chorus sang about
Your shoulder
The mooring for me
Like water lost in the sea

The cold heart will burst
If mistrusted first
And a calm heart will break
When given a shake

I'm a stem now
Pushing the drought aside
Opening up
Fanning my yellow eye
On the ferry
That's making the waves wave
Illumination
This is how my heart behaves

Okay, something I realized just now. It's hard to put into words but I'll do my very best.

If I love someone and they love me, the love should be strong enough where the relationship doesn't really have to be like a cliche "lovey-dovey" mess...right?

I feel like my vagueness isn't working with this blog stuff. I really feel like writing my exact feelings, but I can't because I'm really afraid someone who I'd prefer not reading any of these at all, will end up finding this blog. That's what really sucks.

A Friendly Reminder:

PLEASE PUT EFFORT INTO LOVE.

Please? For my sanity?

Feeling

Feeling is an extremely broad term. I guess I'm going to be talking about feeling emotions. I always find myself not knowing my own emotions, not recognizing my exact feeling. One day, I feel sad and then five minutes later I'm excited about something. I know it's a completely normal thing, but I've been thinking about it lately and I keep asking myself how the human mind is capable of changing at a quick pace. I'm kinda getting off track right now because I really want to talk about feeling love. I think the world, especially teenagers, really misinterpret the word "love". I'm not saying I don't misinterpret it either because I have absolutely no idea what love feels like. It is one of my goals, though, to actually feel love from someone who I actually do love. You always see couples who look so in love and, you know, the guy is touching the small of the girl's back and she just glows. I always wonder how their story goes. How they met, when they knew they were in love, etc. I'm sorry if that seems a little creepy, but I can't help it! I feel like when I even see young teenagers as a couple I somewhat envy their happiness and attraction they have for each other. Just a little thought.

A Little Preface, I suppose.

I always liked the idea of having a blog of some sort, but I never really got around to it. I mean, one time I got Xanga, but I never really followed through. So, lets hope this all works out. I just have a really hard time writing about anything I want to. It's like having a new house in a way. I'm not going to explain that and I know there are better analogies. ahah.

So, then, I guess I'll leave it at a little welcome to myself: Ali! Welcome to the blogging world!